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During the summer of ‘Spiderman’, the
American public is about to experience the thrill of another hero
of epic proportions. One who does not use her powers to fight crime
or the forces of evil, but rather can counter the attitudes of disease-infested
monkeys. She is… (Insert cheesy introductory theme music)…the
Lab Technician!!!! She performs stunts that mock the bravery of
a man that jumps from building to building relying only on the durability
of adhesive twine. Take a good look at the pronoun, folks, this
fearless female is not your typical, neighborhood-friendly superhero.
There is no spandex involved (sorry, guys). She powers herself on
Gatorade, ham and cheese sandwiches, and Fritos. Armed with nothing
but a long plastic stick for defense, battling the scorching Atlanta
sun, she manages to perform multiple tasks at one time. Identifying
the desired monkeys in compounds of up to one hundred and fifty
seemingly identical animals, she commands the attention of the monkeys
to run into the right areas. This occurs while keeping her eyes
on the all-important SURE students, who appear a lot more confident
than they actually are. Following this often grueling process are
the all-important blood draws. Using her Super-Lab-Technician-Vision,
she obtains blood samples pricking veins invisible to the naked
eye. She then sends the assisting students to “The Blood Room”
(that’s seriously what it’s called! I am telling you,
this girl is brave!) In which she utilizes her Superspeed-Centrifuging-Ability
to acquire the necessary blood serum. These will be used for hormone
assays, of critical importance to a Behavioral Neuroendocrinology
lab.
Believe it or not, this is a true story. Jessica Raper’s
patience and ability to remain calm under any circumstances made
me actually forget about the sweat collecting on the lower half
of my face under my surgical mask and the clogged pores resulting
from such exposure. While Peter Parker seems like a nice guy, I
doubt that he spoke the words of encouragement that could breathe
new life into thoroughly exhausted college students on “summer
vacation”. Just ask Spiderman about the last time he stretched
monkey penis! I have learned a lot of things from Jessica this summer.
Not just about monkeys and scientific methodology, but maybe the
most important lesson has been that when you fall, pick yourself
up, check for open wounds, and complete the task at hand.
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