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Note to Future Scientist:
Dear Friend,
I have been informed by a very reliable source that you are looking
for a career in science and have even chosen to be a science major
in college. Although I am very impressed that you have taken the
initiative on your own, here at Stereotyping for Dummies, we believe
that the value of advice is never to be underestimated. Therefore,
we have sent you a complimentary copy of our newest cheat-sheet
about science careers: How to Classify a Scientist 101. We hope
that after careful perusal, you will be more confident in your decision
to become a scientist, and that our advice will lead you to an area
of study that is most suitable for you. We wish you the best of
luck in pursuing your dreams.
Sincerely,
Stereotyping for Dummies
The Study Guide:
Computational (computer science, mathematics, etc.):
Things make sense to computational scientists in numbers and logic.
If you ever talk to one of them, you should try to use as many numbers
as possible in every sentence, and avoid subjective phrases like
“I think,” or “maybe.” Computational scientists
believe that there is a methodically obtained, logical explanation
for everything in the world. For example, if you get into a car
accident, it’s not because the other guy was an idiot and
ran the stop sign, but because you left your house 2.45 minutes
earlier than usual and had a 98.1% increased chance of meeting that
other car at a 45° collision course four miles down the road.
Computational scientists were probably responsible for the sudden
influx of “if train A leaves station X at 10 a.m. traveling
120 mph and train B leaves…when will they meet?” type
questions appearing on standardized tests across the country, which
is why they have very few friends except those at the College Board.
Physical (physics, chemistry, etc.):
Physical scientists generally refuse to believe anything that any
of the other scientists say. If you don’t agree with them,
then you are either uneducated or just wrong. But given the chance,
they will be more than happy to enlighten you with an impromptu
two-hour lecture about their research complete with anxious pacing
and illegible blackboard diagrams. Physical scientists are extremely
competitive, and like to publish a lot of papers and attend a lot
of conferences so that they can intimidate the “other scientists.”
But most of the time, physical scientists are just workaholics.
If you want to be a physical scientist, you stay in lab really late
and walk around the hallways completely unaware of everything that’s
going on around you besides your research, and blast really bad
music from your office at 3 a.m. Other than that, you should drink
a lot of coffee and look as stressed as possible.
Biological (biology, genetics, immunology, etc.):
The most fascinating thing on Earth to biological scientists is
the existence of organisms, or living things. They can pretty much
amuse themselves for hours on end with looking at something moving
under a microscope, the same way that normal people find joy out
of dumb things like shopping, or going to the movies. Biological
scientists also like to be overeducated and have a lot of degrees.
If you see someone’s name on an office door followed by M.D.,
Ph.D., and MPH, you can be sure that he or she is a biological scientist
and that inside the office, the only decoration will be 10 or 15
framed diplomas and certificates hanging on the walls. Biological
scientists are also usually very pale and wear thick glasses because
they don’t go outside very often and most of them would rather
read about opportunistic infection of human immune cells rather
than converse with other people outside of the lab.
Social (anthropology, psychology, sociology, etc.):
Social scientists like to analyze people. The only thing they like
better than analyzing people is using big, scientific-sounding words
to analyze people. They see you and they don’t see Amy, who
fights with her parents because she’s a teenager under peer
pressure, or Dave, who has trouble finding a date because he’s
shy. They see an adolescent female with parental disconnect stemming
from external imprinting and induced passive-aggressive behavior,
and an emotionally sensitive male with an inability to reconcile
internal conflicts augmented by an extreme social phobia. Social
scientists also like to wear plaid vests over button-down oxford
shirts, sit in leather armchairs, and watch cooking with Julia and
Jacques on PBS during the weekends. Robin Williams portrays a social
scientist very well in the movie Good Will Hunting, but
most of them are not that funny.
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